Mirror, Mirror on the Wall....

“Mirror, Mirror on the Wall….” Not just a popular excerpt from a well-known fairy tale, but one of the most powerful self-development tools available.

Several years ago, I was coaching a director of a technology company and we were discussing the development she was providing to her direct reports. She went through each direct report and described each person’s strengths and developmental opportunities with clarity and ease. However, when she got to the last person, she threw up her hands in frustration and with a good deal of emotion began unleashing a litany of “absolutes”. “He is always so defensive when I give him feedback on one of his projects. John always has another way to do things. When I assign a project to him, I am always clear about the way in which I want him to go about it. Not only do I give clear guidelines, I even tell him which methodology to use. He can never just do what I say. He always has a different approach and then insists that he is right. I tell him that I am the boss and that he either needs to get on board and do it the way I have told him to do it or else he can leave and work somewhere else.”

I asked her how she thought her approach with him worked. “He shuts down and finds a way to go around me. I know he avoids me. He doesn’t listen or respect anything that I have to say,” she admitted miserably. She then went on to tell me that it really bothered her and occupied too much of her thinking.

After carefully listening to her frustrations, I then summarized her thoughts and feelings and asked her if she thought I had a clear enough picture of the situation from her. When she said yes, I then proceeded to tell her that often times the people that cause the most irritation or frustration in us are actually great mirrors to a part of ourselves that we either don’t see or even disown. When she started to object, I asked her to hear me out before dismissing the idea. I asked her if there had ever been a time in her life when someone important to her had not listened to her thoughts or ideas.

After a few moments of reflection, she said that she had grown up in a home where she wouldn’t have even thought about arguing back with her parents. When I asked her why not, she told me that her parents made it clear that while she lived in their home, their way was right and that she could be right after she left home. She told me that she learned the hard way that it didn’t pay to offer a different opinion. She never felt like they listened anyway. I asked her how she dealt with that. She said that she eventually just shut down and didn’t bother to tell them much of anything beyond what she thought they wanted to hear.

“You eventually just gave up trying to voice your opinions.” I said. She nodded in agreement.
“By shutting you down, they didn’t get to know that part of you that probably had some pretty great ideas. I bet that affected how you expressed your ideas.”

“It did” she said. “I always made sure that I was completely right when I spoke up at work and I made sure that I had checked every possible resource just to be sure. That’s why I can’t understand why John just doesn’t trust my directions. He has to know I spend so much time making sure that I am completely correct.”

“Do you think you really listen and consider his ideas?” I asked.

“I don’t have time to listen to every idea he has. We have deadlines,” she replied.

I said, “Remember what I told you about using the situation as a mirror? What frustrates or angers us the most in someone else is likely something about ourselves that we are not willing to own. John wanted his ideas to be heard…even to the point of being argumentative at times. What part of you wanted your ideas to be heard when you were growing up? What part of you wants your ideas to be heard and validated now? By recognizing that part of yourself and giving it a voice, you will not project all of it onto John. It will make a big difference in your relationship.”

After further conversation and reflection, the director was able to see how she was not owning how much she needed to be right herself. She was then able to see how she was limiting the development of John and probably her other direct reports by thinking she always had to have the right answers. She was also able to see that if she encouraged John’s input, she would be able to free up some of her own time.

Sometimes I don’t want to use the mirror tool. Sometimes it’s just easier and more familiar to blame it on somebody else….but the interesting thing about using the mirror…it gets easier and easier over time….and the more we are able to really see ourselves…the less we will need to use it.